Emotional Bile

There is a fire in my belly. 

An ache caused by the acrid decay of the memories I’ve held there for so many years. 

I taste the metallic taste in my mouth before the nausea hits. 

My mouth and throat go dry. Instantly, I have both a mouth full of cotton and too much saliva. 

Quickly, I feel the acid rising from deep within...rising faster...until my body is racked with dry heaving and my throat is on fire. 

I bend at the waist and place my hands on my knees. 

I crumple to the ground, still coughing and unable to expel the evil. 

My hands are tucked in an awkward prayer position between my thighs. 

Salty tears form and join the beads of sweat trailing from my forehead, tracing the creases in my face until they drop one at a time to the floor. 

I weep because I mourn what I have lost. 

I weep because I didn’t have a chance to live a normal life without these gut-wrenching tales of violence. 

I weep because my innocence and self actualization were stolen from me. 

I grieve what I have lost and because of who took it. 

I will lay here, crumpled and weeping until this wave passes. 

Then, I will rise. 

I will stand and I will place one foot in front of the other until I am walking. 

I will walk until my muscles scream at me to run. 

I will run and I will fight for each stride and each breath that propels me forward. 

For My Soul Mate

Brittany Ankrom McLaney

Professor Brent McMillian

In Partial Fulfillment of Requirements of Philosophy for Theology

September 23, 2010

“An Overview of Plato’s Epistemological and Metaphysical Views”

The Form of the Good is the ultimate eternal concept of the form, which is the eternal concept of the epitome of an existing thing. Plato believed that just as the Sun existed to sustain and cause the earth to exist that the Form of the Good’s purpose is to sustain and cause the forms to exist.

Since a form is the eternal concept of the epitome of an existing thing, that existing thing is simply a copy of the form. Plato suggests that when a person experiences a tangible existing object, the object is not completely real for it is simply a copy of the form, or perfect perception of that object.  For example, any object that exists in Plato’s idea of the finite world of becoming is not ultimately real, for it came into existence and will eventually cease to exist, indicating its existence only as a duplication of the form.

Plato delineated his ideas of how forms exist in relationship to a human being’s reality by utilizing the imagery of a cave and as a person’s climb in the cave as a metaphorical ascent to wisdom.

At the bottom of the cave, the first stage of the ascent, a person sits in the “imagining” level of their reality. At this level, the person would be sitting, facing a wall, hands and feet bound, and only able to see the appearance of shadows on the wall. The person’s state of reality in this position is a place where only changeable, malleable ideas formed by persuasion exist. At this level, a person’s reality consists of reflections or perceptions of what they believe to be true only by virtue of external influences.

Those who continue to venture upward in Plato’s cave escape the first stage and move to the second stage of the ascent that he describes as the “opinions” level of reality. At this level a person’s awareness of a tangible reality replaces their previous experience of an image-only reality. At this level there is a fire that illumines the objects that were casting the shadows on the wall in the first stage. It is a move to the visible world and allows for a perception that was impossible in the bottom of the cave.

To move upward again would bring a person to the third level and final stage of the ascent that Plato describes as the “thoughts” level of reality. This level is to move from the visible world to the intelligible world. The world where it is possible to know that not only do objects exist, but that they are copies of the perfect eternal concept of that same object, the “form” of that object. Initially, the person would only be able to see what Plato referred to as the “lower forms” or reflections of the Sun. The Form of the Good can be seen at this stage of the ascent, but would only be visible gradually and throughout the process of dialectic. It is the same concept as if a person was sitting in a dark movie theater and were to step out into the blindingly bright sunlight. His or her vision would be temporarily unclear and they would probably only be able to make out basic dark forms around them for several seconds. In the same way, when a person experiences this level of reality, they would know that the lower forms exist and through the process of dialectic come to understand that the Form of the Good is real.

Plato’s idea of the cave indicated his strong belief in the essentiality of upward mobility in a person’s pursuit for wisdom. However, Plato does not pretend that this climb toward wisdom is comfortable or effortless in any way. In fact, he indicates just how uncomfortable and agonizing the ascent can be and how easy it might be for a person to remain at the bottom of the cave and to be complacent in their imprisoned, ignorant state.

Plato suggests that the motivation for the journey does not depend solely on the wisdom itself, but in a person’s love or desire for wisdom. Only a person’s desire for wisdom would be enough of a driving force for a person to go through the challenges one might encounter on the journey to reach the highest level of understanding Plato believes is possible—knowledge of the Form of the Good.

Plato’s view on the necessity of upward mobility for the pursuit of wisdom is particularly relevant to one’s understanding of what it takes to achieve greatness in any circumstance. Achieving greatness requires a dedication to continue an ascent even when the challenge seems too difficult and it would be far easier to remain unmoving. Sometimes, in life, people experience events that should be crippling to their very existence. But somehow, in the midst of the devastating life event, the desire for greatness or betterment pushes one to continue to climb upwards. One might return to the bottom for a period, but the hope in this view is that once one returns to a previous stage that they would realize how unfulfilling that place would become after having experienced a higher level of greatness.

My Oldest and Favorite Sermon

For Amber.

My story comes right out of the book of Genesis...
Which is good, because I just started at the beginning.

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. In the beginning, it was just God. God created the world. Animals, trees, rivers, streams, and oceans. Then God created man--in God's own image. God just wanted somebody to hang out with...to talk to. That didn't go well, so God made women. 
(Lighten up...that was just a little joke)

So--God made man and woman--and that's when it hit me...those were the first kids! The original children...the first kids that belonged to God.

An interesting thing- in the last verse of the second chapter, it describes the original feeling of the original feeling child. It says they were both naked. I couldn't wait to call my mom and tell her! They were naked, naked, naked, naked! I wasn’t allowed to say the word naked when I was growing up. But there it is, in black and white—in the Bible!

And the Bible says...they felt...no shame.
They felt no shame.

The story continues...God told Adam not to eat the fruit of the tree--of knowledge.
Now that hit me right between the eyes. In other words, God told Adam, "Don't eat that fruit. There are just some things you don't need to know. There are some things, I hate to tell you, you'll never know."

What I think God was saying is, "I'm God. You're not."

And we can cry, and plead, and ask why all day long--but once in a while, in the tenderness of who God is, God says, "would you just leave that to me? If I began to explain it to you...you couldn't grasp it. So, I am asking you to trust me. There is so much evil--you don't even want to know what it looks like--just don't eat the fruit."

Now--I will say this one little sad note-God told that to Adam—it doesn’t say that God ever told that to Eve. Just one small detail you'll never hear at a Baptist men’s pancake breakfast!

Eve went out and picked the fruit. The Bible says she did eat the fruit and Adam was with her.

Don't you think that at any moment, Adam could have said, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...wait a minute! You might want to think about that!"

And so, they ate. Then the Bible says God came looking for them.

I love that part.

I think it was a rhetorical question when God said, "Where are you?"

I can't imagine that God...the creator of the Universe lost the first two children at Wal-Mart. You know what I’m talking about—if you were anything like me as a child, it was the highlight of any shopping trip to play hide and seek with my twin sister in the clothing section and to scare unsuspecting shoppers when they would remove an item of clothing from the rack and see a small child squatting in the middle staring back at them.

But then came that dreaded sound…the muzak stops and a voice comes over the speakers in the store and says:” Brittany and Tiffany, your mother is waiting for you at the customer service counter. Please come to the front of the store to the customer service counter…” It was a mighty long walk up to that counter…

But in this case I don’t believe God was asking Adam and Eve where they were physically, no... I think God was headed for group.

I used to be a psychology major at another school where one of my jobs as an intern was to facilitate group therapy at a local mental health facility. Group therapy in many settings is a place where people come and sit in a circle and talk about what is going on in their life that has brought them to a place of brokenness…but it is a place where one can speak without the fear of condemnation or judgment. You see, when someone “checks in” at group, they simply state their name, how they are feeling that day, and what their goals are for recovery. For instance, I might say, “Hi. My name is Brittany. I have been deeply and darkly depressed for several months. I would like to feel better and begin to see some light.” The beauty of it is, after a person finishes speaking there are no responses except for the words, “Thank you, Brittany…thank you for sharing. Next?”

When God asked Adam and Eve, “Where are you?” I believe that God was really asking them to “check in”.

"Where are you? I mean, what's really going on in your life? Let's not skirt over this issue again--let's really get to the bottom of it. I know you're lonely. Let's be honest...where is that coming from? I know you're frustrated with your family-they aren't meeting your every need. There's something missing in your life--but they are only human--they can't fill that. I wanted to do that. So, where are you? What's really going on in your life? Let’s check in."

And then God asked the most psychologically sound question that many doctors have couched in many different words...God said to Adam and Eve, "Who told you that you were naked? Who hurt you in such a way that you lost that sweet innocence that I created you to have? Who told you that you would never amount to anything...or that the things that went wrong in your childhood were your fault? Who told you that you were damaged goods? That you were unlovable? Who brought that shame to you?

I created you to feel...no shame.”

It was obvious they were trying to cover up their shame. There were leaves plastered everywhere. Looked like Easter Sunday...trying to dress it up. Fix it up, so that it looks like we're ok.

Then the word says that God loved them so much that God sat down behind the Singer sewing machine and took the skins of animals--it was the first death of something God created, sacrificed so that God could make for them garments. God gave them some tools.

God said, "I hate you found out what evil looks like. It's going to get cold outside the garden...so put your coat on. It's not going to be as easy...you're going to have to work the ground for your food now...but I couldn't just leave you without."

Can you imagine going to group with Eve? Can you imagine that it took every ounce of courage she had to say, "Hi. I'm Eve. I destroyed the world. But I put this garment on. My kids are killing each other. I just wanted to be real with somebody." And in her desperate moment of just needing someone to hear her out--someone leans over and says, "Well, where in the world is your faith? Take that garment off! We're going to pray this through one more time. Sing another chorus--then you head out of here and you hold your head up high!"

But friends, that is what we do to each other, each and every day. Instead of telling each other that it is ok not to be ok, we reach into our purses for Kleenex to clean up the pain, to make each other appear normal and not worn down.

That’s what Eve needed to hear when she got to group. “Eve, It’s ok not to be ok right now.” She needed a garment to keep her warm when she left the garden, not a lecture about how she had messed everything up. And it was the God of the universe that gave her the tools, just as God gives us the tools that we need to live in a broken world.  

Maybe today you need to have someone look you in the eyes and tell you that it is ok not to be ok. Maybe you have experienced something in your life that has left you feeling empty and alone, but for whatever reason you feel the need to keep it together and pretend that everything is going to be fine. Maybe things in your life are going well, but you know someone who has experienced something really hard and even though they seem to be handling it well you know that person is on the verge of falling apart.

Maybe you are the person that can look them in the eyes and tell them that it is ok not to be ok and walk with them through whatever it is they are experiencing. Maybe you need to hear that even in the midst of our most vulnerable moments—even in the midst of being completely broken, the God of the universe is the one that cares enough to sew for us garments of healing to keep us warm. It is the God of the universe that puts people in our lives to see through our tough exterior and tell us that what we have experienced is indeed difficult, but that they are willing to be active participants of God’s grace in our lives to help us continue our journey.

You see- what Adam and Eve realized is that the minute you step away from the presence of God--the moment that gap widens, the world becomes a dark and lonely place.

But the minute one turns, and in honesty says..."Here I am Lord. I'm feeling a little shameful today." the world becomes a different place. The moment a person enters the presence of God; their life is transformed and made new. Everything changes because God never leaves us and certainly never leaves us without the tools to survive.

Monsters

The brain is a tasty morsel

Like an everlasting gobstopper 

The monsters suck and they swallow

They suck and they swallow

They move the brain from one cheek to the other with their tongue 

Somehow, the brain never loses its essence, it’s true essence--the sweet candy coating surrounding each thought

Some of the good, the bad, and the useless memories are swallowed and digested by the monsters, but they can never reach the core

Everyone knows the middle is the most delectable part of any candy

The brain is no different

In the middle resides the existence of humanity

In the middle is where love lives

The middle is where the memories of our mothers are

No-the monsters can not touch these innermost pieces of what makes us alive

Our brains swirl around in the warm monster saliva

Crunch

The monster has taken a bite and just like that, our world begins to crumble

Layers break off and disappear down the long neck of the monster 

We will never get that back, but we must adjust to the missing piece 

Slowly, the brain begins to smooth over the crevice left by the monsters teeth

Healing happens, but it is painful and agonizing

Once we begin to heal, we do not forget the missing piece

We simply fill the hole with whatever peace we can find and patch it with newness

The brain remains whole, but lumpy

Scars that remind us that we are ever surrounded by the monsters violent mouth