In the Beginning...There was Ketamine

The first time I remember hearing about ketamine infusions was when I was riding in the back of an ambulance on my way to the emergency room after I had decided to take my own life by overdosing on my medications.

It has been almost a year since that night. I’ll never forget the EMT that sat across from me, measuring my vital signs, who asked me, “Why?” I began to cry, and I looked him in the eye and said, “I just can’t do this anymore. I’m not strong enough.” He took my hand and he said, “There are options. This doesn’t have to be the end. I have a friend who is responding well to ketamine infusion therapy—and before that, she felt like she was all out of options, too. Please don’t give up.”

I have thought about that night many times in the last year. I am thankful for the people that helped save my life that night, but I’m probably more thankful for the fact that some guy planted the seed in my mind about ketamine infusions.

During my most recent depression episode, I felt that—once again—I had run out of options. I had tried so many things. Different medications, different combinations of medication, CBT therapy since I was a teenager, hospitalizations, electro-convulsive therapy, transcranial magnetic stimulation…all with little to no lasting positive effects. I was tired. I was completely devoid of the strength and energy to propel myself through more than the next day, which I promised my dear friend that I would make it to—but I was clear about the fact that I could not promise to make it through more than that. I made plans to see my doctor and express to him that I was in crisis and needed help. I was the first and only patient Dr. Handal had seen in 6 months due to COVID-19. Immediately, he mentioned changing my medication and I stared blankly at him. I told him that I was tired of changing medications, and that I was not willing to wait and see if a change would benefit me because even if it did, historically, the relief would only be temporary. Dr. Handal mentioned performing a pharmacogenetic test that would tell him how my body metabolizes different types of medication and what medications would and would not work well for me. I agreed to the test and I also agreed to another med change. Then—I remembered. I said, “What about ketamine?” He pulled out his phone and said, “I think that it is a good option for you and here is the number for Dr. Self, whom I have referred people to in the past.” I took a picture of his phone screen and felt a twinge of something in my heart—still far too small to name hope.

I left Dr. Handal’s office and I made the call. My hands were sweaty as I prepared myself to explain my situation to some stranger in an office somewhere near Orlando, Florida. Instead of reaching an office—I reached Dr. Self’s actual personal voicemail. I was surprised, but I gathered my thoughts and left him a message anyway. Within a short period of time, Shannon from the Life is Ketaful clinic returned my call and scheduled me for a telehealth appointment with Dr. Self to learn more about ketamine infusion therapy. I drove home (to Andalusia) to my mom’s house and had agreed to stay with her for the foreseeable future until I figured out how to move forward.

During my telehealth appointment, I spoke with Dr. Self, who gave me all the details about ketamine infusion therapy and what it would entail. After speaking with him, I spoke with Shannon again and we scheduled my initial session for the following Monday. Things were happening very quickly, and for the first time in months—I believed that I had options.

Ketamine—which is more commonly known as a date-rape drug, a horse tranquilizer, a party drug—has saved my life. I had my last treatment of the two-week initial sessions on September 11. I left feeling hopeful that things could be different.

In the month following my first set of treatments, I experienced a life-changing difference in my mood and ability to cope. It was gradual at first, but in the first week I (and my mom, who had been by my side during this entire journey) could tell a huge difference in my mood. I was less irritable, less down, and, well, less depressed. My mom noticed changes before I did but would comment occasionally that she believed she could tell a real difference in me.

During the weeks following my initial treatments, I began to work with my therapist on some trauma therapy. Before this, it was totally unfathomable to even consider taking on any kind of trauma therapy or new approach in therapy. Before this, it was simply about crisis management and keeping me safe…I was too far down for much else.

By the fourth week, I began to feel the clouds returning. It was not drastic, and I would describe it like adding a vignette filter to a photograph. It creeped in at the edges and I began to be aware of the darkness again. I called the clinic and decided to have a follow-up maintenance treatment. On October 11, exactly one month to the day from my last treatment, I had a maintenance treatment in Ormond Beach at the Life is Ketaful clinic.

The experience was as wonderful as the first several treatments. I experienced a warm welcome from the staff at the clinic and Dr. Self came in and discussed my progress with me before the treatment started. He said that he believed I was exactly where he expected me to be and that he was pleased that I had gone a month between my initial and maintenance treatments. After the treatment concluded, I offered Dr. Self a hat that I had crocheted on my way down to the beach. I handed it to him and said, “Thank you for saving my life. I know it’s a weird gift because we’re in freaking Florida…but maybe you’ll travel somewhere cool for vacation.” I was still in a bit of a fog after the treatment, so I was thankful that my words came out making some semblance of normal speech.

My mom stepped out of the room during my treatment and she spoke with April, the super-IV-placing nurse. She told her that in the last week, I had mentioned visiting my friend Missy in Savannah during the early part of November. She said that what was striking about that conversation is that before I had begun ketamine infusion, my future was much more short-sighted. She said that it was a miracle, because I had not been able to think that far ahead in a long, long time. She was beaming.

I continue to be incredibly grateful for the chain of events that led me to the Life is Ketaful clinic and I hope that by reading this account, someone—somewhere—will consider that THERE. ARE. OPTIONS. This does not have to be the end.