HAYLPUHS

Three weeks ago, I remember telling Christina, my therapist, that I was good. I even thought to myself, “Am I a little manic?? I’m talking fast and I feel real ‘up’”.  I don’t think I was actually manic; I think that for the first time in years, I wasn’t consumed with the other shoe and when it would drop. I told her that I was so used to moving from one crisis to the next that it felt odd to feel so “ok”. I had just started grad school, classes were going great, I was totally caught up on schoolwork—in fact, I was ahead of the game. One day, I thought about all of the things in my life and how good they are. I thought, “I’m incredibly blessed—I live sort of a charmed life.”

 

A little more than a week ago, I began to feel my mood shift. Instead of waking up at a normal time, ready to greet the day, I was sleeping longer and longer each day. I was going to bed earlier and sleeping later. In the past week, my depression and anxiety have tripled. I have used the terms, “spinning out” and “unraveling” to describe what has been going on with my mood. 

 

I was sick last weekend, so I was unable to go to work. However, even if I had been well, I’m not sure I could have gone to work. I could barely get out of bed for more than an hour without feeling totally exhausted emotionally and feeling completely overwhelmed. I slept a lot last weekend, but I had made plans to work on schoolwork with a friend (when I was feeling better) and I didn’t want to let her down. Plus, I really needed to keep up my momentum with my schoolwork because I couldn’t afford to let it suffer—regardless of how I was feeling. 

 

Monday, I slept. I felt like if I could make it through Tuesday, at least I would have a therapy session and hopefully could talk out some of the things I was feeling. Tuesday, I got up early and went to meet my friend at the coffee shop to study together. She ran late, so we decided to meet at my house later that afternoon. 

 

As I was packing up to leave the coffee shop, I got a call from my mom telling me that my friend that has been staying with us was having a breakdown and was threatening to harm herself. I rushed home—really unsure of what I would find. When I got there, the neighbor was coming out of the house and said that she had left walking and was planning to kill herself. 

 

She had sent us all “goodbye” texts. I got in my car, preparing to leave and look for her. I texted my therapist and let her know that I wouldn’t be able to make our session. I called 911 and explained the situation. Then, I texted my therapist and told her I was freaking the fuck out and all I could think about is finding her like Alek. Then I deleted the text because what could she do, anyway? I began calling my friend. Cycle dialing. No response. The police showed up and I explained to the officer what was happening. He was concerned but wasn’t sure there was anything he could do because she wasn’t overtly threatening to harm herself.

 

He asked me to hang tight while he phoned his chief of police. I called my mom and told her that she needed to come home. Somehow, I had the presence of mind to send my location to my friend coming from Dothan to study. In the meantime, I continued to call and text my friend who was missing. The chief of the sheriff’s department showed up. There are now two police vehicles parked in my front yard. My mom came home and just as she got out of her car, my friend from Dothan pulled into the driveway. Immediately, my phone rang, and she said, “Am I at the right place??!” I told her to just park somewhere and that I was dealing with an emergency situation. Did I mention this friend has never been to my house before? (She’s never met my family…this is literally the first experience she has of what goes on in my life) Thankfully, I learned that she is the kind of friend who can simply roll with the punches and she just stepped up, ready to help however she could. 

 

Finally, when the sheriff’s deputy agreed to try and ping her phone, my friend answered one of my calls. I begged her to tell me where she was, but she just kept sobbing and talking about how sorry she was. Eventually, I was able to talk her down and find out where she was. My mom, Dothan friend, and I loaded up and went to find her. We brought her home and the sheriffs made sure she was safe before they left. 

 

The rest of the night was a blur. The friend was exhausted and slept hard until the next day. The friend from Dothan and I ended up working on schoolwork and joining our online class session that evening. She stayed the night, and we woke up early and went to the coffee shop the next day to get more homework done. She ended up staying the next night again, and we went and studied at the coffee shop again Thursday morning. 

 

Between the drama, the copious amounts of caffeine, the anxiety of the situation, and, well, just being completely overwhelmed I was decompensating quite rapidly. I kept telling myself—if I can just make it to Thursday afternoon, I will be able to talk to Christina and sort all of this out. While we were studying at the coffee shop, my mom called and said that the friend who had been suicidal was finally awake and my mom needed help with her. I said goodbye to my friend at the coffee shop and left, heading home, again uncertain of what I would find when I got home. 

 

On my way home, Christina texted me and let me know that her grandfather had passed away and that she wouldn’t be able to make our session. FUCK. Ok. I’m good. It’s all good. I can handle this. At least I’m not as depressed as I have been in the past. I can maintain on caffeine and nicotine for the time being. 

 

Sparing almost all the details, I will say that the situation at home is not handled adequately and is as volatile as it was on Tuesday. I thought things were going better, but as of this moment—THINGS ARE NOT BETTER. 

 

Ok. I’m breathing in and out. My heart is beating, somewhat faster than normal, but beating, nonetheless. I have lived through hard things before and I will live through this.

 

I need a ketamine infusion. Desperately. I want to curl up into a small ball and fold in on myself until I disappear. 

 

This is as close to being in crisis as I’ve been since starting the ketamine infusions, and I hate it. I feel disappointed that I haven’t gone as long in between treatments as I did before but then I think about everything going on and I’m accepting that sometimes shit happens.

 

If you are the praying type—I ask that you remember my mom and me as we have some big decisions to make soon and they likely will be painful and not fun.

 

Friends, I have too much at stake to go backward. I have too much to lose. I am in a career that I love, I am studying for a degree that I love, I have somewhat gotten my shit together financially, I am not living paycheck to paycheck, I have a great car. I have a family and support system who love me.  I CANNOT GO BACKWARDS. PERIODT. HAYLP.