Fix-A-Flat

I had my 5th of 6 treatments this morning. The experience was similar to previous experiences, but also equally different than any other thus far. 

Dr. Self came in and checked in with me. He said that my PHQ-9 scores have come down some from when we started and that I am exactly where he expected me to be at this point in the process. That was reassuring. I trust his judgment and if he believes I’m headed in the right direction, then I will try to believe it, too. 

Super Nurse April came in and twirled around in her cape before aptly placing my IV and checking my vitals. 

This began my treatment. I came up with a better description of the initial feeling from the treatment. Instead of marshmallow clouds, it’s like lying on your back in a shallow box with a lid, then having someone squirt fix-a-flat into the box so that it expands and covers every inch of your body. This probably sounds slightly terrifying for anyone with even a hint of claustrophobia--but trust me, it’s one of the most pleasant feelings I’ve ever experienced. It is in this encapsulated vessel that I travel from thought to thought to thought. 

Today’s trip involved thoughts about life, the vastness of humanity, and the incredible difference we each have the opportunity to make in our worlds. 

We left the clinic and ran a couple of errands. We came back to the hotel and mom went out to walk on the beach while I had my therapy session with Christina on the computer. 

At some point during my treatment with Christina, I began rating myself on a scale of 1-10, with one being the best possible and 10 being the worst. At a 10, I have lost all hope for a better future and want nothing more than to stop living--whatever that looks like. 

Today, I rated myself at a 4-5. It’s the first time in several months that I’ve been anything less than a 6, with most of my days averaging around 7-8. 

Christina asked me how it felt to say that out loud. I told her it had been a hot minute, but that it felt really good. I also admitted that it was completely terrifying because it’s different than I’ve been for a long time and "what if it doesn’t last?"

She encouraged me to celebrate the moment and count this as a win. 

After my therapy session, I put on my bathing suit for the first time in 2 weeks and grabbed a towel and headed out for the beach...only to find that it had begun to rain. Go figure. 

When mom came back to the room, I asked her if she’d like to go out to Hobby Lobby. I wanted to buy some yarn so I could crochet while we’re here this week. We went to Hobby Lobby and I told my mom about how excited I was to be at a 5 or below today. We celebrated by stuffing ourselves full of garlic bread and salad at Olive Garden. 

We are back at the hotel and I am whipped. But, friends...I’m at a 5 today. 

A FREAKING FIVEEEEE. 

Praise the Lord and pass the bread sticks!